It's too bad we can't even be friends anymore...

the quarrels, the fights, the cold wars, the on and offs, the begging, the sacrificing, caused so much heart ache and pain.

i endured and pulled through each and every time because to me the ultimate heart ache, the pain of all pains would be losing him.

i remember talking to a friend of mine about my situation some time back.
and so she asked:

"can you picture yourself being with him in the years to come?"

i hesitated, paused shortly and answered truthfully:

"yes, i can. if i go on making sacrifices and giving in."

let me tell you. giving in and sacrificing has no remedial power over this. neither did it stop our situation from worsening nor did it help in improving it. all this time, love was the only thing we could forcefully hold on to. trying our best to ignore the damage accumulated over time.

this time, the damage got the best of us. both forced to let go. with heavy hearts.

the reasons why we're not together anymore aren't important. neither will i sit and analyse who's to blame. i want to forget. i want to let go. i want to free myself from all the anger, hurt, and disappointment.

hoping that i can handle myself in the best way. hoping that this break up will not be too hard on the both of us. and hoping that this decision though made rather rashly and in hasted will be the best for us.

losing him means that i'll most probably lose:

1. one facebook friend
   
2. one loyal blog reader
3. one football dictionary
   
4. one listener
   
5. one sanctuary
6. one babysitter
7. one meal buddy
8. one movie partner
9. one sms pal when i get bored at work
10. one fashion advisor

and the list goes on. he was all that to me and so much more.

i now have to learn how to stand on my own again.

i can. and i will.


sorry that you guys had to read this rambling, wordy, lame post revolving around me. just felt the need to let this out and motivate myself to move on.



x



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You don't want this to happen, do you?

Just sharing peeps.

though the caption in the pic should be "the effects of smoking"??
[good picture, bad tag line]

despite that whatsoever, i'm sure you get the message ;)

note to self:



apply for master programme by the end of Nov '11.

corporate comm?

instructional technology?

publishing studies?



girl, please figure it out by then!


x

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as usual. i have no rights over my emotions.

i'm not allowed to be angry. not allowed to be disappointed. not allowed to feel unsatisfied. not allowed to be frustrated. not allowed to feel unappreciated. not allowed to feel hurt.

cos as soon as i show the slightest signs of any negative emotions, i'm done for. a serious turn of events will hit me, causing the pain to grow ten folds.

feeling tired, i just want a wee bit of consoling and comfort. not accusations. not sneering and mocking. not hurtful comments. not a full grown argument. and mostly, not isolation.

chasing and chasing. what exactly am i chasing for? rejection?

as usual. everything is unreal.

smiles can never last more than a fortnight. they are all merely illusions to trick me into thinking that everything is fine. it's not. and i guess that it never will be.


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