Sending a Message from Here.

Dear Bloggie, i'm sorry i hafta misuse u and use you to do my dirty work for me this time.

Dear whoever is reading this, this isn't one of my regular posts. do skip it if you can't relate to it.

***

And the post officially starts now:

Dear Mr. W,

i know i'm a coward for not being able to tell you this face-to-face. and i have been putting off this for almost 2 years for some selfish reasons. hopefully you still read Fingering the Keybored and that this goes out right to you.

Mr. W, some time back when things started to get ugly and really wrong, decisions were made to step back. pain was caused and hurt was inflicted. i was supposed to be angry at you and hate your guts, but instead i blamed it all on myself . i wrapped all that hurt and pain tightly around me and had a hard time stepping out of that blanket of agony.

Somehow time passed and things somehow became right again. apologies were made, and you said that i will always be a Someone to you and that i could count on you to be there when i needed you. Question: are things really right now? were they ever right since then? or did i just want myself to think that things were right again?

i'm not so sure myself. i've never exactly pushed myself to think of the past and analyse the right and the wrong. all i did was to fight hard so that i could let everything go and just forget. i tried to delete all the bitter memories in s.a. and forced myself only to remember the times we had as kids in school. i tried pretending that nothing went wrong and that you were still that friend whom so effortlessly clicked with me.

but just a day ago, i got trapped in a conversation which left me thinking of you and everything that had happened. i couldn't get it out of my head and got really depressed.

Mr. W, we're on and off talking terms every now and then. it's weird and i don't even know what we have now. and i'm not ok. whatever it is, can you and i stop trying to salvage whatever we have left? what do we have left? nothing i guess. nothing but fragments of a broken friendship or whatever you want to call it.

guess this is it. thank you for reading this and you can delete that friend slot you saved for me. it's not needed and it'll never be filled again.

goodbye. and this time it's for real.


Best wishes,
J


.

Eat Bitter.

吃得苦中苦，方为人上人

ooh. even i'm amazed that i'm able to utter this out. (my chinese not so bad after all)

you bananas have absolutely no idea what this is. LOL.

well, it literally means that if you wish to be the best of the best, you must suffer the bitterest of the bitter; OR in better words, it means that only by standing the hardest of hardships can you hope to rise in society.


the thing is, i dont want to rise in society nor do i want to be the best fella whatsoever.
(i've even secretly confessed that what i really want in life is to get married,
settle down and live a "tai tai" life)
but why am i withstanding all this bitterness =.= ?

fml.

my days are as bitter as they can get.

so bitter that i'm starting to suffer symptoms i've never had before :/
symptoms i never knew existed until recently.


familiar with teeth grinding?


heard about it from a friend of mine.
i pited him then. always teased him and asked him not to work so hard.
and now, it's happened to me.


shocked. beyond shocked when my roomie told me that i grind my teeth in my sleep.

damn.


my jaw feels so sore now.

i know.


i'moverlystressedup.headachesaccompanymeregularly.ibringhomeworkfromtheoffice.
evenwheni'mnotworking,i'mthinkingofwhtatihavetodowhenigetback.

iforgetaboutbirthdays.idontreplymysmses.i'mnotthereformyfriends.idonttakepicturesanymore.


this is sad.

this is not me.

this is ruining me.


just when i thought that i was coping fine.

super down now :/




have a feeling i'm gonna end up like that :'/

fugly illustration. i know. just releasing some stress.



x


.

I dont know what to feel.

been listening to too many lies.

been given too much fake hope.

been on the receiving end of too many broken promises.


.

what am i supposed to feel?

how am i supposed to look forward?

you tell me.



.

sharing sentiments.

Usually, the people with the least power in an organization shoulder most of the burden of cooperation and get the least credit.

-Yves Moneux, HBR

My thoughts exactly.

x

.

He is Who He is...

he doesn't deny it.

he accepts it.

he does what he does.

he has his own hopes and dreams.

he does everything in his power to make them come true.





when can i be more like him?

i don't even dare to hope or dream.

long way more to go for me.

.
.
.

It's too bad we can't even be friends anymore...

the quarrels, the fights, the cold wars, the on and offs, the begging, the sacrificing, caused so much heart ache and pain.

i endured and pulled through each and every time because to me the ultimate heart ache, the pain of all pains would be losing him.

i remember talking to a friend of mine about my situation some time back.
and so she asked:

"can you picture yourself being with him in the years to come?"

i hesitated, paused shortly and answered truthfully:

"yes, i can. if i go on making sacrifices and giving in."

let me tell you. giving in and sacrificing has no remedial power over this. neither did it stop our situation from worsening nor did it help in improving it. all this time, love was the only thing we could forcefully hold on to. trying our best to ignore the damage accumulated over time.

this time, the damage got the best of us. both forced to let go. with heavy hearts.

the reasons why we're not together anymore aren't important. neither will i sit and analyse who's to blame. i want to forget. i want to let go. i want to free myself from all the anger, hurt, and disappointment.

hoping that i can handle myself in the best way. hoping that this break up will not be too hard on the both of us. and hoping that this decision though made rather rashly and in hasted will be the best for us.

losing him means that i'll most probably lose:

1. one facebook friend
   
2. one loyal blog reader
3. one football dictionary
   
4. one listener
   
5. one sanctuary
6. one babysitter
7. one meal buddy
8. one movie partner
9. one sms pal when i get bored at work
10. one fashion advisor

and the list goes on. he was all that to me and so much more.

i now have to learn how to stand on my own again.

i can. and i will.


sorry that you guys had to read this rambling, wordy, lame post revolving around me. just felt the need to let this out and motivate myself to move on.



x



.

You don't want this to happen, do you?

Just sharing peeps.

though the caption in the pic should be "the effects of smoking"??
[good picture, bad tag line]

despite that whatsoever, i'm sure you get the message ;)